Now that the real Olympics are over – with their toned athletes, elite training facilities, and functioning cartilage – it’s time for the rest of us to compete.

Events include:

Event One: The 100-Meter Dash to the Bathroom to pee at 3:12 a.m.

Bonus points if you don’t fully wake up, put on your robe, or step on the dog. Points deducted if you fall out of bed, wake up your partner/spouse, miss the toilet – in any way, or forget to wash your hands.

Event Two: Advanced Competitive Layering

Long johns under leggings, Leggings under jeans.
Thermal undershirt, two sweaters, one of which is technically a blanket with sleeves.
A coat that says “charming winter stroll” but actually means “I refuse to perish.”

Points awarded for fastest time.

Points deducted for still being cold.

Event Three: The Icy Driveway Interpretive Dance

Performed while retrieving the mail.
Includes windmilling arms, a brief spiritual awakening, and a renewed appreciation for gravity.
Style points awarded for losing balance but staying upright.
Bonus medal if the neighbors do not hear you screaming or swearing.

Event Four: Endurance Baking

You did not need cake.
But the sky went dark at 4:12 p.m. and your soul required frosting.
You tell yourself it’s for “guests.”
There are no guests.

Judges evaluate crumb structure and emotional coping.

Event Five: The Olympic Grocery Carry

All bags. One trip.
No second journey to the car. We are not amateurs.
If a jar of marinara swings dangerously near your shin, you simply adjust your stance and carry on.

Gold medal for not dropping the eggs.
Lifetime achievement award for refusing help.

Event Six: Candle Lighting Relay

One candle at 4:12 p.m.
Another at 4:19 p.m.
By 5:00 the house resembles a Scandinavian chapel devoted to carbs.

This is not mood lighting.
This is emotional infrastructure.

Medal awarded for highest number of candles, blankets, and most creative hygge accessories.

Event Seven: Blanket Reclamation Wrestling

A highly competitive nighttime event.
Opponents may include a spouse, a dog, or gravity itself.
Advanced competitors execute the “subtle tuck and roll” maneuver without waking anyone.

This is a contact sport.

Medal awarded to who has control of the blanket at 7 a.m.

Event Eight: Strategic Hibernation

The 2:07 p.m. “resting my eyes.”
You wake up unsure of your name or the year.
The light is gone.
You blame iron levels and proceed directly to endurance baking competition.

Event Nine: Thermostat Tactical Warfare

A silent, long-form strategic event.
Opponents rarely make eye contact.
One competitor adjusts the temperature up two degrees.
The other responds within the hour.
Advanced athletes master the “casual walk-by adjustment” without breaking stride.
Medal awarded to whoever controls the final setting before bedtime.

Event Ten: Midnight Snack Stealth Division

A precision-based nighttime challenge.
Competitors must navigate creaky floors, bright refrigerator light exposure, and the moral implications of leftover cake.
Advanced competitors close the fridge using only their hip.
Bonus skill: cutting a slice without clinking the plate.
Medal awarded to whoever leaves no crumbs as evidence by sunrise.

In the Winter Olympics for us mortals, there are no judges – only small victories that focus on comfort, warmth, and safety:

  • You made soup – often – along with soothing, rich, carbo-dense foods
  • You wore soft sweaters, leggings, and pants with elastic waist bands only that demonstrated your layer-chic clothing style
  • You chose frosting to be a food group
  • You managed to stay upright on the driveway.
  • You have survived winter so far

And frankly, that deserves a medal and a podium.